Mount Hebra Times

All across Hyrule, mischievous youths have taken up the questionable habit of breaking expensive vases and other pottery. This habit, known colloquially as vasing, is responsible for an average 200,000 Rupees in insurance claims each year.

“When I wake up, the first thing I do is vase!” one youth tells us. “I need money to buy Bombchus so I can tease the Cuccos! You just break a few vases, and you run on down to the shop. Everybody’s doing it!”

We asked a Castle Town Knight, Sir James Rupeemark, why the Knighthood isn’t doing more to prevent these crimes. “Well, if you check the royal edict about our duties and responsibilities, it says that our job is to guard the gates. It doesn’t say anything about police work. That’s someone else.”

As we interviewed Sir Rupeemark, a green-clad youth came into the room and began breaking numerous vases. The lad made off with no less than 120 Rupees. Sir Rupeemark then asked, “What do you want me to do? Not. My. Job!”

After being thrown into the midst of this crime wave, I walked to Hyrule Castle and demanded to speak with King Hyrule. His Majesty was in a meeting with a foreign dignitary, but his spokesperson had this to say, “His Majesty takes the nationwide epidemic of vasing very seriously. Starting next month, all members of the Knighthood will be required to engage in two hours of mentorship with a Hyrulean youth. By setting a good example with our bravest warriors, we will stop vasing in its tracks.”

Meanwhile, Mamamu Yan, an elderly person of wealth, stays up late with her dogs. “I can’t sleep until all these kids stop vasing. It smells bad.”