Mount Hebra Times

In our fair kingdom, we are sometimes permitted to vote for local leaders and magistrates. This is a gift from his majesty, King Hyrule. We should be thankful for this opportunity to express our opinions on how things should be, and most of us are. But some of us are easily corrupted by this newfound democratic power. Some people think that we should actually be able to vote for our King, or worse, that there should be no King at all!

Ridiculous as it sounds, these ideas are spread as whispers in taverns across the land. There are even rumors of ‘secret societies’ which openly espouse abolishing the monarchy. And that is why I write this piece. We must address these so-called ‘democratic activists’, or vote-ists, as they’re more aptly called, before their theories threaten our way of life.

Demolishing conspiracy theories is easy, and it’s best done with fact. The fact is that King Hyrule’s line was appointed directly by Hylia herself. He is a descendant of hers from when she took physical form. To suggest that we can vote someone else in as King suggests an error on the part of Hylia. This is absurd.

Also, daughters of King Hyrule are frequently called upon to seal Ganon away, and this is undoubtedly another reason that he is given the role as King. The Princess must be protected! These people would allow the Princess of Destiny to toil away as a carpenter or a waitress, never being given a chance to develop her abilities.

Moreover, we must also consider the old adage. “Eyes of Ganon are everywhere.” If we allow these vote-ists to have their way, pretty soon the elections will be undermined by Ganon. We’ve already seen Ganon hack the advanced computer systems of the guardians. Do you really think that he could not also hack a voting machine? Under this inane vote-ist scheme, Ganon could conquer Hyrule without even drawing his sword!

I wish that we could talk these vote-ist fools down with logic and reason, but sadly, things are seldom so simple. If we don’t stop giving them a platform to spread their lies, vote-ism might spread across this nation. And then, we’ll really be in trouble as we have to suffer under a democratic regime.